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July 14, 2006
Cingular helps you rip-off lock/line
Cingular has the worst customer service among wireless providers, according to Consumer Reports. Actually, Cingular has the worst customer service among any company I've dealt with - and that's a tough list to top with winners like the Pasadena DMV, UPS, Walmart, PraxAir, Juniper Bank, Swiss Airlines, and the Jamba Juice in Dublin, CA. Actually, I'm happy to know they're the worst because whatever company I go with next will have to be better than Cingular.
Here's the gist of my last Cingular conversation (after holding for 22 minutes, "because of an unusually high call volume" - code for "because we don't hire enough customer service reps"):
Me: I need a new phone. The screen doesn't work anymore [because I ran over it with the car a couple times]
Cingular: I'm going to have you power cycle your phone to see if that helps.
Me: You mean turn it on and off? No, it's broken. How can I get a new phone?
Cingular: Sometimes power cycling helps. If you could just turn the phone off and remove the battery ...
Me: Actually, I know how to turn stuff on and off. [that's how I fix my computer when Windows hangs up]. It's definitely busted [and powering cycling won't magically meld together the shattered pieces of screen]. How long is my contract - can I cancel service?
Cingular: Well, your contract goes until June 2034. Muhahahahaha [actually, June 2007]. It's $150 to cancel your contract [and afterwards, we bend you over and ... wait a second, this is a family website]. What I'm going to do is sign you up for lock/line. It's insurance for your phone in case it breaks ...
Me: Wait. What?? My phone is already broken - I don't need insurance after the fact.
Cingular: I'm going to verify that your phone still works.
Me: Uh, I'm talking on it right now.
Cingular: I'm going to call you and ask you to switch to the other line.
Me: Wait, stop, I'm talking to you on it right now ... doesn't Cingular give you guys caller ID or something?
Cingular: I'm placing the call. Please answer.
Me: What the ...? Ok, hold on ... [I switch lines]. Hello, this is Brian, can you hold on a sec, I'm talking to Cingular on the other line ...
Cingular: Sir, this is Cingular.
Me: Oh, wow, I didn't realize you were calling me.
Cingular: So I've verified that your phone works. You're now eligible for lock/line. If your phone stops working, you can ask for a replacement for a $50 deductible. Wait a few days and call them up and tell them your phone is broken.
Me: Lemme get this straight. I get insurance today for ... wait ... how much is it?
Cingular: $3.99 per month ...
Me: Ok, four bucks, and I hang up, call lock/line and tell them my phone is broken and get a replacement for $50? Even though my phone works right now?
Cingular: Well, technically you have to wait a month to call lock/line but I'm told sometimes you can call in a couple of weeks [pulling that part out of his ass to meet a sales quota]. See, with lock/line you can take a sledgehammer to your phone and they'll replace it. Or maybe you'll, you know, lose your phone in the next few weeks [wink-wink]. [I swear this is what he said, and I'm sure I heard his eyelashes come together as he winked.]
Me: So lemme get this straight - for $54 bucks - the deductible and one month of lock/line - I can replace my phone anytime I want?
Cingular: Well, you need your phone to be lost [which is cool, because I'm excellent at losing things]. Also, I recommend you keep lock/line on your new phone, in case this happens again.
Me: Why pay $4 every month if I can just call up when I need the insurance and get it that month?
Cingular: Um, your phone still works now. It might not work in the future. So I'm signing you up ...
Me: Wait a sec. Yeah, thanks for all the info, but I'm gonna think about this. Bye.
Cingular: You have a great day [code for, "You suck for making me explain stuff without buying anything"].
So there you have it: Cingular helps you rip-off lock/line.
Even me, who loves taking sign up money and bonus offers, can't stomach this one. I'm just going to have to suffer without caller ID and answer every call until my contract expires. Actually, this site helps you cancel your contract early.
Posted by brian at July 14, 2006 05:46 PM